scruta

GOPHER

Hey boss.

BIG BOSS

What whatie?

GOPHER

Umm…

BIG BOSS

It means “what” in hip hop language.

GOPHER

Right rightie.

BIG BOSS

You can’t say that.

GOPHER

Why not?

BIG BOSS

You just can’t. I don’t know. It’s just what whatie.

GOPHER

Ok.

BIG BOSS

So what is it?

GOPHER

Well, we’re having trouble with the toilets.

BIG BOSS

What do you mean?

GOPHER

Well, the distributor said that the order is too small for them to do the gold plating at that price. He wants another 10,000RMB.

BIG BOSS

Pay it.

GOPHER

Okay, but the thing is if we do that then we are going to have to divert some of the funds away from the rest of the bathroom.

BIG BOSS

Well, like what?

GOPHER

Well, I was thinking maybe we could lose the two way mirrors on the doors to the bathroom.

BIG BOSS

No way, that shit is so important.

GOPHER

Well, at this point it’s either that or the sinks.

BIG BOSS

Well, then no sinks in the bathroom.

GOPHER

Well, we already installed the sinks.

BIG BOSS

This is bullshit! Who authorized this and came up in my shit?

GOPHER

You did.

BIG BOSS

Shit. But did you talk to foreign douche putting up the money?

GOPHER

Yeah, the foreign douche says that he won’t give us anymore.

BIG BOSS

Did you explain to him the importance of this for the concept? That this is going to be the tightest bling bling bust a move shake your ass booty boucing spot in all of Shanghai? Look it. The idea is that you can go in there and get a massive gold blumpkin from your shortie. Shit on gold! And then look out and see all the suckers who wish they could be shitting on gold and getting blown at the same time.. You get it man?

GOPHER

What’s a shortie? Like dick or something?

BIG BOSS

Nevermind.

GOPHER

Well, anyway, I just don’t think we have the funds for it. Otherwise we are going to have to loose the fake replica guillotine for chopping open the bub bubbly and spraying it on the dancers.

BIG BOSS

[Sighs.]

Just say bub.

GOPHER

Chill dog.

BIG BOSS

It’s boss.

GOPHER

Boss bossie.

BIG BOSS

Just leave and buy regular doors. I want those gold toilets. Real golden showers, you know?

GOPHER

I know those things are expensive.

BIG BOSS

[Sighs again]

Just go.

[New Fame and Ferret sit eating at a newly opened, swanky restaurant.]

New Fame

So what do you think of the food?

Ferret

It’s okay, I guess. I’m not blown away.

New Fame

Yeah, everything about this place is good not great.

Ferret

Hmm. What do you think of the pictures on the wall?

New Fame

The photographs?

Ferret

Yeah.

New Fame

I don’t know.

Ferret

I really don’t like them. I mean, they’re all pictures of these kids pouting or smiling. In a way, I think they’re very interesting. The compositions are great. They certainly have character, but would you want them gawking at you in your home, or while you’re eating?

New Fame

No, it’s true. I absolutely agree with you. There’s something about photographs-

Ferret

The closeness to reality?

New Fame

Exactly. There’s something about looking at a photograph. The resemblance to reality is offputting, especially when you’re dealing with a person.

Ferret

With paintings it’s completely different. There’s more distance there. You feel as if there’s the painter that sits between you and the object. The way they squiggle too much here or there. It’s distortion really. You need that.

New Fame

But why?

Ferret

I don’t know. I mean, there’s something to be said for trying to confront the world absolutely. And to be fair, when you really get down to it, photography fails at this too. Any photographer will tell you that the camera can be altered in just as endless an array just as any painter’s brush. Light can be refracted and twisted in ways that our eyes just can’t mimic.

New Fame

But photographs get closer than paintings.

Ferret

To commit that terrible faux pas of generalization, I’ll agree with you and say that they do.

New Fame

So what then?

Ferret

What about what?

New Fame

Why paintings over photographs?

Ferret

I see it this way. Let’s say you were able to record every conversation that you ever had, and then play it back on command. You’d just say, “Let’s listen to the conversation that I had yesterday at dinner.” And you could play it back, fast forward, rewind, etc.

New Fame

Like an endless Tivo for conversations?

Ferret

Exactly. So let’s say you had this. When that conversation came up in another conversation, would you want to use it every time?

New Fame

No.

Ferret

Well, why not?

New Fame

First of all, it’d get too damn boring.

Ferret

I agree. If all of your conversations were just clips of old conversations, then any new conversation could easily end up being a place for exchanging clips. Like swapping trading cards. No human interaction at all except the very basic, show me yours and I’ll show you mine.

New Fame

But it’s more than just that, right?

Ferret

I don’t know. I mean, what happens when you try to recall something that happened before?

New Fame

You end up embellishing it, or leaving details out. Distorting it like we were saying.

Ferret

That’s true. But what is it about that distortion that’s comforting?

New Fame

I guess it’s the fact that it serves to remind us that someone created the thing. But not only that, at least with the case of the conversations, the retelling tells something about the moment in which it was told. Maybe I’m trying to describe what my friend was buying, but I forget. So I start talking about him buying photographs because that’s what I’m seeing right now.

Ferret

And then the conversation is really living before you, interacting with you. That spontaneous act of the conversationg lives again!

New Fame

Pretty cool.

Ferret

Of course, there’s something terribly wrong here.

New Fame

What’s that?

Ferret

By analogy, we should say that now paintings resemble reality more than photographs.

New Fame

Shit.

Ferret

Ah well, I suppose there’s something to all of this.

New Fame

Maybe you should tell somebody about this conversation.

Ferret

Yeah, maybe I should.

Roo
No way!

Ferret
What?

Roo
You see this picture in your China book?

Ferret
Yeah.

Roo
It means it sucks.

Ferret
What?

Roo
This word means sucks.

Ferret
No way!

Roo
Serious! If something sucks we say 这个很爛哦！That means it sucks.

Ferret
Weird. Maybe they picked it because it has lots of different strokes in it.

Roo
Maybe they just want to play a joke.

(Please hold on a second.)

There is a great, immediate, yet inaudible commotion on the phone before Ferret can even speak.

A minute passes. Ferret is frustrated, finding himself unable to express himself. Someone picks up the phone.

喂。
(Hello.)

Ferret
喂，你好。我教一个相机。

Event #1 – 红包 (Hongbao, i.e. a red envelope full of money):

Ferret
So it was pretty cool how I got to go to a party for work today.

Roo
Oh yeah, what was it?

Ferret
This crazy juggling competition.

Roo
Wow. It was good?

Ferret
Real good. Best part was that they paid me to go. Check it out.

[Shows Roo.]

Roo
Wow. Who gave you money?

Ferret
The people at the event. They said they’d pay me to be there. Gave it to me in this red envelope and everything.

Roo
Ferret, that’s like bribe.

Ferret
No way. I didn’t promise them anything. They said they’d pay me to come, so I did.

Roo
No, that’s how it works, you know? They think you will write about them.

Ferret
No way.

Event #2: 红包回来 (Hongbao Returns)

Ferret
[on phone]
Yes, I spoke to Oldengib… No, there’s no way I can write about it. I’m sorry.

Oldengib
What’s going on? Who keeps calling you?

Ferret
Well, this girl from the juggling contest keeps calling me to ask me if I can put something in the magazine.

Oldengib
The one you went to last week.

Ferret
Yeah, it was cool. They paid me money to go. Gave it to me in this red envelope.

Oldengib
Oh, I see. You shouldn’t have done that. That’s the sneaky way they do it here.

Ferret
Do what?

Oldengib
Give you a bribe.

Ferret
Oh.

Oldengib
It’s all right. You didn’t know. In the future, just remember if someone offers to pay you to come, or slips money in your press packet, don’t take it. If we do, then we get calls like this, and get wrapped up in the custom of bribing journalists that they have here.

Ferret
Oh.

Event #3: 萄皮男孩子 (A Naughty Boy)

Ferret sits in a cab on his way to watch people pour vodka in new and improved ways. The cab is stuck in traffic, and he feels both tired and frustrated. He’s not sure it’s possible for anyone to pour vodka in a new or improved way, and even if they could, he thinks it would probably be entirely convoluted in its execution, Rube Goldberg style, or would produce a drink that was so revolting that even the fact it was free would do little to help its reputation. It’s been a long day, and the Shanghai craze is getting to him. They are almost at his destination down on the Bund, and the street is packed not only with cars, but scooters, bicycles, men with push carts stacked to at least 3m, and small children weaving in and out of the mess. Seemingly unable to withstand the hubbub, the window next to Ferret shatters.

The cabdriver immediately scrambles out of the cab and runs away. Ferret doesn’t know what to do. The driver has left his door open, but that has not prevented cars behind the car from doing their best to edge by. He looks to the sidewalk and sees that his taxi driver has apprehended the cause of the shattering. A little boy about 8 years old with a slingshot. His mother is there now, and she’s got a look on her face that says, “It’s time to pay.”

The driver scrambles back, and settles the bill with Ferret. He walks to the event thinking that today couldn’t get anymore surreal than the Chinese reincarnation of Dennis the Menace.

Event #4: Things Get More Surreal than a Chinese Dennis the Menace

Apparently, this is how you sell vodka.

“SECURITY has been tightened further on Metro lines ahead of the Olympic football matches to be held at Shanghai Stadium.

Four X-ray machines, eight detectors of toxic chemicals and four machines to screen for explosives will check passengers near the two Olympic venues, Dai Min, director of Shanghai Metro Police, said yesterday.

“Each large bag is being examined and smaller bags will be inspected at random,” Dai said…”

– “Metro tightens bag screening to secure safety at Olympics,” Shanghai Daily, 2008-07-29

Ferret
I think I might have snubbed the Shanghai police.

Roo
Really?

Ferret
Yeah, I walked into this metro station, and I saw this security guard standing next to a table. It was a little strange so I looked at it rather oddly. The security guard noticed I was looking, smiled really big, and proudly proclaimed “Security Check Here!” I had no idea if he wanted me to show him what was in my bag, or if he was just damn proud of his security checkpoint/table. Given his tone, it seemed to be the latter. However, I’ve never had anyone in my life say something to me like that. Not knowing what to do I just smiled, and slowly walked through the turnstile into the subway as if nothing had happened. I really hope I didn’t ruin his day, or piss him off.

Roo
Maybe the police will arrest you now.

Ferret
Man, I hope not.

A cartoon issued to provide extra guidance on top of the “Olympic cheering practice” sessions that have been held for workers around Beijing for the last year shows a young girl in the approved postures. […] The cartoon is the joint product of the Communist Party’s spiritual civilisation bureau, the ministry of education, the Beijing Olympics organising committee, and state television, which has begun showing clips of schoolchildren showing how it is done.

– “Beijing Unveils Official Olympic Games Cheers,” The Telegraph, June 06, 2008

[Spirit Chief, Education Minister, Olympic Organizer, and State TV Man are all sitting at a conference table at a government office in Beijing. They are standing, involved in a shouting match, unable to restrain themselves, as they point fingers and dramatically arch their voices. The Education Minister slams his hands down on the table, and seizing attention for a moment, speaks:]

Education Minister
Come on people, this is bullshit. The people of China are depending on us to make a cheer that will unite them. This is for the children.

State TV Man
Oh, look at you now, Mr. Education, bringing in the children. All of sudden you just want to resolve the issue, when I put my goddamn neck out on the line to get two claps instead of one! I was so ready to go for one clap! 加油！加油！(Go go! Go go!) Straight ahead, easy for anyone to do. A good fist pump or two. That’s all we need.

Spirit Chief
Gentlemen, please! Let’s be civil!! [They all sit down.] As for the one clap, you know there was no way we could do that. It’s just not in line with the spirit of China.

State TV Man
Well, I’m sure that you are right given your post. The Chinese spirit is best represented with a chant that goes well with “We Will Rock You.”

Olympic Organizer
Wow! That’s true! Queen really were a great band, weren’t they? I can remember when I was an exchange student at UC-Berkeley, we’d always play that.

Education Chief
Oh, definitely. Freddie Mercury was truly a genius.

Spirit Chief
Freddie Mercury?

Education Chief
Surely you know who Freddie Mercury is?

Spirit Chief
Surely I do. It was just a matter of recollection.

State TV Man
Yes, it must be difficult to remember things about pop culture while you are busy assuring that only the best cultural artifacts are not destroyed.

Spirit Chief
Well, I must admit that “We will rock the Queen” or whatever isn’t important. This is about China. The two claps are supposed to represent that unity of Chi–

State TV Man
China and the world. The yin and the yang. The dual nature of our lives. The majestic power of the Chinese people among the world powers like the peaks of Huangshan mountain. Your erudite explanation was well understood the first time.

Spirit Chief
Are you insinuating something?

State TV Man
Nothing.

Spirit Chief
Don’t forget who you are talking to here. You are perhaps too overzealous in your enthusiasm.

State TV Man
I’ll never forget. I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

Olympic Organizer
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family!

State TV Man and Olympic Organizer
Spare him his life from his monstrosity!!!

[State TV Man and Olympic Organizer give each other high fives and start laughing, then start doing the cheer with each other.]

Education Minister
This is seriously no laughing matter. We must deliberate on this seriously for the children.

Spirit Chief
I agree.

State TV Man
The children will be fine.

Education Minister
What’s that supposed to mean?

State TV Man
I think we should add a whoop at the end! [Does the cheer] Whoop!

Olympic Organizer
Whoop!

Spirit Chief
You two are clearly not qualified to handle so delicate a task.

State TV Man
But you are truly able to handle the necessary affairs of state with immense tact and skill. That’s why they put you in charge of looking after old teahouses.

Spirit Chief
And you as well. CCTV programming is truly the pinnacle achievement of Chinese culture. It makes the poets of the Tang Dynasty look like fools.

[The Spirit Chief and the State TV Man glare at each other.]

Olympic Organizer
Well, I think that you both do a good job. The cheer has turned out great too.

Spirit Chief
Thank you for your opinion. It was very helpful. Please go to your other meeting on licensing pens with the mascots on them.

State TV Man
I agree, your skills are so great they would be of greater benefit for producing Olympic teddy bears.

Education Minister
Will someone think of the children right now?

[They all glare at each other for a moment. They all stand and begin shouting.]

Roo
You see those people sleeping in the street?

Ferret
Yeah, they’re so many of them.

Roo
You know about them? They are so poor.

Ferret
Yeah, we have lots of homeless people in America, but not like this.

Roo
Oh, they’re not homeless people. They have a house.

Ferret
What?

Roo
Yeah! You didn’t know that?

Ferret
No.

Roo
Yeah, they are just so poor they have no air conditioning. They’ll sleep outside for coolness. They don’t care.

Bu-Ran-Don
So if you could give it all up for the powers of Wolverine, would you do it?

Ferret
Define your terms.

Bu-Ran-Don
You get the skeleton of adamantium, the claws, the superhealing and the superhuman senses of smell.

Ferret
And what do I give up?

Bu-Ran-Don
You give up sex.

Ferret
In general? Do BJs count?

Bu-Ran-Don
For the sake of argument, no. Let’s say that BJs are okay.

Ferret
I don’t know. That’s still pretty tough.

Bu-Ran-Don
What’s so tough about it? You get to be Wolverine man! You can totally rock anybody. And even if they rock you, you’ll be fine. I mean, would you seriously miss it all that much?

Ferret
I think so. I mean, I don’t know. His powers aren’t that great.

Bu-Ran-Don
I disagree. Don’t forget you get an extended lifespan because of your superhuman healing powers. You get to live for millennia.

Ferret
I think living forever is over-rated. All your friends and lovers die. Everyone thinks you’re a freak. You’ve got to live low-pro.

Bu-Ran-Don
But you get superhuman demi-god like adversaries with which to battle for all of time.

Ferret
Meh, I’m still not sure. I’m denied the ability to form meaningful relationships with others except for random megalomaniacs. I relegate myself to leading a seemingly endless life of constant derision and scorn.

Bu-Ran-Don
Don’t be a fag, Ferret. This is an awesome opportunity.

Ferret
I’m still torn. Let me think about it…

Roo
Why did he take this highway? I don’t understand.

Ferret
It’s faster this late at night.

Roo
Not now, we are in traffic jam. It’s one in the morning.

Ferret
I know, but usually it’s faster, besides we’re at the next exit. We’ll get off soon, you’ll see. It’ll go fast.

Roo
This takes forever.

[They pause for a moment.]

Ferret
You know how my place is right next to this big tunnel where people are always getting into accidents?

Roo
Yes, I know.

Ferret
Why do they always get into these big crowds and just watch? I don’t understand.

Roo
Well, don’t you do that? I mean, come on, if you see something then you know…

Ferret
I mean sometimes I do, but it’s never a form of entertainment. If no one’s hurt, then what can I do? Why would I just want to stop and stare? Although in America they always talk about people rubbernecking, you know?

Roo
Rubberneck?

Ferret
Yeah, it’s a person who slows down when they’re driving to see the accident.

Roo
So it’s same, just like America. You both stop to look.

Ferret
I guess. Except no cars. It never felt like I was taking up so much time though. Maybe I’m just used to be in cars, and not on foot.

Roo
When is traffic jam going to end? 司机! (driver!)