scruta

[Ferret is ordering food at Subway, engaging in the strange dance that one goes through at such service locations in Shanghai. Do I bark my orders in Chinese or English? Both are acceptable, although there is an assumption as a foreigner that you will be doing the English-bark. Ferret chooses Chinese in all of its perversity, and works his way down the line, performing well enough. Until he gets to the cashier:]

Casher

Hello, twenty-three yuan.

Ferret

我要套餐。

I want the meal.

Cashier

什么？

What?

Ferret

套餐。

The meal.

Cashier

套餐，是吧？

Oh, the meal?

Ferret

是的。

Yes.

[The Cashier slaps a cup for a fountain soda on the counter and begins:]

Cashier

你要什么种类曲奇啊！

What kind of cookies do you want?

Ferret

[pausing as the word for “cookie” comes into his head:]

哦，我不要。我要那个图片。

Oh, I don’t want that. I want the picture.

[Ferret was searching for the word for “potato chips” which is 薯片 (shúpiàn), but thought about the other word for “potato” 土 (tù), but was tonally attracted to the second tone of è–¯ (shú), so… 图片 (túpiàn). If this confuses you, reader, don’t be alarmed. The Cashier was equally confused as to why Ferret was asking for a picture with his meal.]

Cashier

[realizing what he means]

哦，告诉我你要的，我帮你拿。

Oh, tell me which one you want, and I’ll grab it for you.

Ferret

没关系，我自己拿。

Don’t worry about it, I’ll grab it myself.

[Only later, as he is eating his sandwich outside, does Ferret realize that he asked for a “picture” instead of “potato chips.” He sighs. Chinese you are a motherfucker.]

[Ferret is at the opening of a new bar. He’s had a few free drinks and he’s talking with Northern Polecat.]

Ferret

So have they stopped giving away free booze?

Northern Polecat

I’m not sure yet, but I think they’ve got to cut it off soon.

Ferret

Yeah, the freeloaders are out in force now.

Northern Polecat

Plus they’ve still got to make it to the real opening.

Ferret

Oh? This is the soft opening?

Northern Polecat

Yeah.

Ferret

Well, they’ll start charging soon, and then everyone will get the fuck out.

Northern Polecat

That’s the thing though, isn’t it?

Ferret

What is?

Northern Polecat

When they’ll get the fuck out?

Ferret

You’re right. You know, I wonder: Is it possible that that’s part of the game. I mean, for a real soft opening. Like they just started charging everyone without telling them.

Northern Polecat

What like the mafia or something? Giant guys in suits suddenly materializing and telling everyone that you had to pay for your drinks?

Ferret

Maybe. I think it would be better if it were more like a game. I mean, everyone knew that they’d be charged at some point, and they’d be okay with it if they were. But it would just be this tension. Wait! Even better: Let’s say you had a bar that gave away free drinks only some of the time, like on a giant wheel of fortune or something. That exhilaration of trying to beat the system. At any minute that free drink in your hand could no longer be free. Would people want to drink that way?

Northern Polecat

Maybe.

Ferret

More than maybe.

Northern Polecat

It’s not very relaxing.

Ferret

Neither are flashing lights and loud music with bass so loud causes your heart to palpitate. It’s done. The bar will be called The Gambit. This is a ground floor opportunity. Are you in?

ga-vage /gəˈvÉ‘Ê’; Fr. gaˈvaÊ’/ Show Spelled[guh–vahzh; Fr. ga–vazh] – noun, forced feeding, as by a flexible tube and a force pump.

(Many thanks dictionary.com!)

[Ferret and Wilder are talking as Wilder writes down his phone number in Ferret‘s book. Ferret suddenly interjects.]

Ferret

Oh, there’s a new word I learned today. I think it’s French.

[Ferret points to the word “gavage” written in his book. Wilder‘s eyes bulge and he snickers.]

Wilder

Oh yes, that’s French.

Ferret

Yeah.

WIlder

Oh, you know what it means, right?

Ferret

Well, yeah.

[Ferret ponders the meaning of Wilder‘s smile.]

Ferret

I mean it can be used sexually, right?

Wilder

[incredulous]

What?

Ferret

Well, you know. I thought it could be used sexually as well.

Wilder

Well, not unless you’re doing it with a duck! Or one of those… what’s it called in English? The thing you use to make foie gras?

Ferret

A goose.

Wilder

Yeah. A goose.

Ferret

Oh, I just thought there’d be some dirty saying with it.

Wilder

Look, not everything in French has to do with sex.

Ferret

Haha, okay.

[Ferret and Bu-Ran-Don are walking through a lackluster exhibit on bugs at the Shanghai Science and Technology Museum. They watch a video of a beetle being eaten alive by a swarm of ants, and as it becomes more gruesome they walk away. Bu-Ran-Don continues to mill around, but Ferret spaces out by a fake stone column, thinking about the sudden severity of life and death. He is standing very still. A Chinese Girl sees him and meets his gaze. She studies him strangely, and he continues to look back at her, but gets bored and suddenly shifts his gaze. The Chinese Girl jumps back:]

Chinese Girl

哦, 吓死我啦!

Oh, you scared me to death!

[Ferret smiles, and the Chinese Girl walks away. Ferret walks over to Bu-Ran-Don laughing to himself.]

Ferret

Bu-Ran-Don.

Bu-Ran-Don

Yeah?

Ferret

I think a girl just thought I was part of the museum.

Bu-Ran-Don

Haha, awesome. Wait ’till we get to the part about evolution. Then we’ll really be able to mess with people.

[Ferret and Glasseye are outside of Logo talking.]

Ferret

I think it’s weird.

Glasseye

What’s weird?

Ferret

I think it’s weird that in Shanghainese people always speak English to me.

Glasseye

What do you mean?

Ferret

I mean. If you came to America, people wouldn’t go out of their way to try and speak Chinese to you. They’d just say, “You’re in America, so speak English.”

Glasseye

Yeah. No, I understand. But that’s the thing about Chinese people. You know S&M?

Ferret

Yeah.

Glasseye

We’re the M.

Ferret

Haha. Okay.

Glasseye

No, seriously.

Ferret

I believe you, but it’s weird. I don’t see why they think it has to be that way. Chinese isn’t impossible for us foreigners to learn, and I bet you’d be surprised how quickly we’d pick it up if we were forced to learn it.

Glasseye

所以我们在说中文吧 .

So let’s speak Chinese then.

Ferret

[startled a bit, then realizing what was said]

好的, 我们说中文.

Okay, let’s speak Chinese.

[There’s an awkward pause. Suddenly nobody has anything to say.]

Glasseye

You’re right though. It’s still weird.

Ferret

Yeah, it is.

[Ferret is tired. He’s trying to get dinner with Chipmunk at 五观堂素食. He walks up to the Hostess.]

Ferret

你好.

Hello.

Hostess

你好, 你们几位?

Hello, for how many?

Ferret

两位.

Two.

Hostess

不好意思, 两位没有位子. 你需要等一会儿.

I’m sorry, but we don’t have any tables for two. You’ll have to wait.

Ferret

[beginning to speak an actual sentence in Chinese for the first time all day:]

多少钱?

How much does it cost?

[The Hostess gives him a puzzled look, and Ferret realizes his mistake instantly.]

Ferret

哦! 多少时间?

Oh, how much time will it take?

Hostess

半个小时.

Half an hour.

Ferret

[to Chipmunk]

Do you want to wait?

Chipmunk

Well, I could do whatever. Are you really hungry?

Ferret

Yeah. Let’s try somewhere else.

[As Ferret and Chipmunk walk out, Another Customer waiting in line looks at him in puzzlement and maybe with a hint of disapproval. Ferret knows why. It looks like he just accidentally tried to bribe his way into getting a seat.]

[Ferret is sitting at a take-out burrito joint, enjoying a meal at the small counter for patrons who just can’t wait to take their food home. Two Chinese Girls walk in, chattering. They walk up to the Waitress and order.]

Chinese Girl #1

你好。

Hello.

Waitress

你好。

Hello.

Chinese Girl #1

我们要买那个蜂蜜酸奶。是多少钱的呀？

We want to buy the yogurt with honey. How much is it?

Waitress

八块钱一杯。

Eight kuai a cup.

Chinese Girl #1

好啦。两杯。

Okay, two cups.

[The Waitress walks over the the refrigerator and takes out two cups, which she then begins to fill with honey. The Chinese Girls begin to talk quickly, and Ferret loses interest as the conversation exceeds his concentration and understanding. Something about school. He figures they probably go to the music college nearby. Due to hunger and the deliciousness of the burrito, he loses himself eating. He lets out a cough while clearing his throat. The Chinese Girls stop talking and notice him sitting there for the first time. Chinese Girl #1 and Ferret exchange a glance. Ferret returns to eating his burrito.]

Chinese Girl #1

[to Chinese Girl #2]

他很帅。

He’s good looking.

Ferret

你觉得吗？

You think so?

[There is dead silence. The Chinese Girls give Ferret a look as if he’s made disparaging remarks about a relative. The Waitress is silent, too. Awkwardness floods the room. Ferret has no idea what to do to alleviate the situation.]

Ferret

不好意思

Excuse me.

Chinese Girl #1

[turning her back to Ferret, towards Chinese Girl #2, whispering:]

他会说。

He can speak [Chinese].

[Ferret, Badger and Weasel are hanging out. Badger takes out an exceptionally long sized snickers bar and begins to open it.]

Ferret

That’s a big snickers bar.

Badger

It’s two of the small ones put together in one package, so…

Ferret

Oh, I see. Yeah, I guess that makes sense because it’s so small.

Badger

You know it has to do with penis size, right?

Ferret

What does?

Badger

A snickers bar.

Ferret

No, it doesn’t.

Badger

Yes, it does.

Ferret

That doesn’t make any sense.

Badger

Of course it does. Every single country has a different sized snickers bar. All of the sizes are based on the penis sizes of people in that country. So like Chinese snickers bars are smaller, while the ones in Africa are bigger.

Ferret

What? Really?

Weasel

He’s fucking with you.

Badger

No, I’m not.

Weasel

How can you believe that? No, listen, he’s just fucking with us.

Ferret

Yeah, I don’t believe you.

Badger

Think about it. When you go to grab it off the shelf, whether you are a guy or a girl the size of a penis is comfortable. You want to grab it. That’s the difference. It’s what makes the sale. There are people who get paid to think about this, and they found that making snickers bars penis sized just works. That’s why I’ve got two small snickers bars together instead of a big one.

Ferret

What? Like two small Chinese penises?

Badger

Exactly.

[Badger and Ferret are walking in silence. Badger suddenly breaks it:]

Badger

Name an animal that you like.

Ferret

What? Why?

Badger

Just do it. It’s a psychology game.

Ferret

Okay. Umm… a penguin.

Badger

Why a penguin?

Ferret

I don’t know. You just said, pick an animal.

Badger

No. You’ve got to have a reason with it, too.

Ferret

Okay. A penguin because it perseveres through long, harsh winters.

Badger

Okay. Pick two more. You need three.

Ferret

Okay. A bear because it’s strong and commanding.

[Badger laughs.]

Ferret

Why are you laughing?

Badger

Nevermind. You’ll see when we’re done. Pick one more.

Ferret

Okay. The last one is a ferret because it’s relatively clever and it can investigate and get into places where most other animals can’t go.

Badger

Heh. Okay.

Ferret

So what does it mean?

Badger

The first animal is supposed to be how you see yourself. The second animal is how others see you. And the third animal is what you actually are.

Ferret

So I see myself as a persevering ball of arctic butter. People think I’m a courageous bear. But I’m actually a clever rodent.

Badger

Precisely.

[Ferret is on his way to a show with Goose to go see a show by a hip-hop has-been. As they walk up to the club, they see Two Drunken Laowai and Two Bums standing face to face making far too much noise. Their rantings become clearer as Ferret and Goose get closer:]

Drunken Laowai #1

Fuck off!

Bum #1

Fa-cof-fa!

Bum #2

Fa-cof-a! Fa-cof-fa!

Drunken Laowai #2

[gesturing rudely away]

No! Fuck off! Don’t you understand? Fuck off!

Drunken Laowai #1

Fuck off!

Bum #1 and Bum #2

[in unison]

Fu-cof-fa!

[The two pairs square off, screaming “Fuck off” back and forth, obtaining a cadence as if the Two Drunken Laowai were teaching the Two Bums a class in English pronunciation. The Two Drunken Laowai become more frustrated, while the Two Bums become more and more exhilarated. Ferret and Goose walk by, chuckling, and commenting soon after:]

Ferret

Those guys just don’t understand.

Goose

What d’you mean?

Ferret

I mean, it doesn’t matter what you say to those bums. They have no shame. It’s all a game to them. You could tell them to “Fuck off” in perfect Chinese, but they’ll still just laugh at you and ask you for money. That’s the point. You have no choice but to pretend that they don’t exist.

Goose

Yeah. Those drunken dudes kind’ve look like idiots.

Ferret

That’s the funniest part. The bums’ revenge so to speak, by getting a rise out of those guys, the whole thing becomes a joke on them. It makes it look like those drunken laowai have no shame, either. Screaming “Fuck Off” over and over on a street corner in the middle of the night.